"Elizabeth, come on. Chill out! You knew what kind of party this was - it’s a turtle party. We all fuck. Get on board.
What did you expect? A bunch of pizzas and break dancing? Wrong turtles.”

"Elizabeth, come on. Chill out! You knew what kind of party this was - it’s a turtle party. We all fuck. Get on board.

What did you expect? A bunch of pizzas and break dancing? Wrong turtles.”


"Angela?…
Hi, are you Angela?…
*sigh.*
Oh God, maybe the balloons were too much. I should have just said I’d be wearing a hat or something. I bet she saw me and left. I bet she was like ‘that dog looks like a homo’ and just walked out and had sex with some cool guy who is not scared of vacuum cleaners and bearded men.
I hate blind dates.”
Photo by Kelly Banks

"Angela?…

Hi, are you Angela?…

*sigh.*

Oh God, maybe the balloons were too much. I should have just said I’d be wearing a hat or something. I bet she saw me and left. I bet she was like ‘that dog looks like a homo’ and just walked out and had sex with some cool guy who is not scared of vacuum cleaners and bearded men.

I hate blind dates.”

Photo by Kelly Banks


"Hey dude! You’re up! Check it out, I found a HUGE carrot in your fridge! Look at this thing! I can’t believe how much of it I’ve already eaten!
So listen - looks like that apartment I was checking out fell through, so you get to have me on your couch for a few more weeks, bro! Oh, and remember that girl from the bar? Carly or something? The one with the big scar on her neck? Haha, right - the slutty chick with the lisp! Well, we’re in love now, so she’s going to be staying here too. 
Fuck, I ate a LOT of carrot. I’m going to have to take a huge shit pretty soon. I hope I don’t sleep through it again - sorry about those sheets, dude.”

"Hey dude! You’re up! Check it out, I found a HUGE carrot in your fridge! Look at this thing! I can’t believe how much of it I’ve already eaten!

So listen - looks like that apartment I was checking out fell through, so you get to have me on your couch for a few more weeks, bro! Oh, and remember that girl from the bar? Carly or something? The one with the big scar on her neck? Haha, right - the slutty chick with the lisp! Well, we’re in love now, so she’s going to be staying here too. 

Fuck, I ate a LOT of carrot. I’m going to have to take a huge shit pretty soon. I hope I don’t sleep through it again - sorry about those sheets, dude.”


"Ok…so, uh, I guess we’re just not going to talk about this.
I guess we’re both going to just sit here eating grass and pretend like nothing happened.
That’s cool. Whatever, I can do that. Mmm, mmm, this grass is so— SERIOUSLY?!?! We had SO MUCH SEX, Ribbons!!! You are being an asshole. This is just weird. I feel weird. HOW DO YOU NOT FEEL WEIRD ABOUT THIS??
Fine. If you want to act like we are just a couple of tiny horses that DIDN’T spend all night fucking after the presidential election, two can play that game. But you know what? That’s the LAST time you’re ever going to get a taste of this pony tail.”

"Ok…so, uh, I guess we’re just not going to talk about this.

I guess we’re both going to just sit here eating grass and pretend like nothing happened.

That’s cool. Whatever, I can do that. Mmm, mmm, this grass is so— SERIOUSLY?!?! We had SO MUCH SEX, Ribbons!!! You are being an asshole. This is just weird. I feel weird. HOW DO YOU NOT FEEL WEIRD ABOUT THIS??

Fine. If you want to act like we are just a couple of tiny horses that DIDN’T spend all night fucking after the presidential election, two can play that game. But you know what? That’s the LAST time you’re ever going to get a taste of this pony tail.”


"He’s never coming back, and it’s all my fault! DON’T TOUCH ME DIANE!! I AM IN PAIN! Ughhhh, I want to die.  Why did I say all that stuff about liking food and how much I hate my roomate? YES, DIANE - I TOLD HIM ABOUT YOU. GET AWAY FROM ME! I DON’T WANT YOUR FUCKING BROWNIES! JUST LET ME CRY!!!
I may as well just give up and become a crazy cat cat.”
Photo by Jolie Ruben

"He’s never coming back, and it’s all my fault! DON’T TOUCH ME DIANE!! I AM IN PAIN! Ughhhh, I want to die.  Why did I say all that stuff about liking food and how much I hate my roomate? YES, DIANE - I TOLD HIM ABOUT YOU. GET AWAY FROM ME! I DON’T WANT YOUR FUCKING BROWNIES! JUST LET ME CRY!!!

I may as well just give up and become a crazy cat cat.”

Photo by Jolie Ruben


"This is the spot. This is where I watched that junkie die. Right before I ate him. "

"This is the spot. This is where I watched that junkie die. Right before I ate him. "


"Oh God, I just want to die. Everyone hated my magic tricks. I was just trying to make friends through illusion and showmanship, and instead they all called me retarded and threw tater tots at me. I hate this school. "
Photo by Heather Harter.

"Oh God, I just want to die. Everyone hated my magic tricks. I was just trying to make friends through illusion and showmanship, and instead they all called me retarded and threw tater tots at me. I hate this school. "

Photo by Heather Harter.


"The crowds are gathering, Hans. It’s only a matter of time before they break down the doors and come for me. They’ll burn this place down, and that will be the end of Twin Oaks. Maybe I was wrong to do what I did, maybe I was too proud, too noble…. Tell my tale after I’m gone, Hans - make sure people know about PittyPat the Raccoon and how he shoved all that garbage in his mouth at once."

"The crowds are gathering, Hans. It’s only a matter of time before they break down the doors and come for me. They’ll burn this place down, and that will be the end of Twin Oaks. Maybe I was wrong to do what I did, maybe I was too proud, too noble…. Tell my tale after I’m gone, Hans - make sure people know about PittyPat the Raccoon and how he shoved all that garbage in his mouth at once."


"HEY, whoa, whoa, hey. Whattaya mean you don’t want to invest in our gentleman’s club? What about our presentation? Didn’t ya see the slides Rodger put together? He worked a long time on those."
"I learned powerpoint."
"You hear that?! He learned fucking powerpower! That’s worth something. That’s business acumen, my friend."
"I had to take a class."
"HE HAD TO TAKE A GODDAMN CLASS. Rodger lives in a wooden box in an abandoned barn. You think that’s easy for him? You think it’s easy for him to gather up the confidence to enroll in and attend a computer class?"
"It’s not."
"IT IS NOT. But that is the kind of bravery and risk-taking that will make Hooties Hotties Boobieranch and Surf Shop a success. Sign the check."

"HEY, whoa, whoa, hey. Whattaya mean you don’t want to invest in our gentleman’s club? What about our presentation? Didn’t ya see the slides Rodger put together? He worked a long time on those."

"I learned powerpoint."

"You hear that?! He learned fucking powerpower! That’s worth something. That’s business acumen, my friend."

"I had to take a class."

"HE HAD TO TAKE A GODDAMN CLASS. Rodger lives in a wooden box in an abandoned barn. You think that’s easy for him? You think it’s easy for him to gather up the confidence to enroll in and attend a computer class?"

"It’s not."

"IT IS NOT. But that is the kind of bravery and risk-taking that will make Hooties Hotties Boobieranch and Surf Shop a success. Sign the check."


"Hit me. No, wait, I’ll stand. No…wait, what do I do?… Double down? Shit. I got my kid’s spinal surgery riding on this one. I’ll be honest - I am not even totally sure of the rules here. How much is a stick worth again? Fuck it - hit me. With a stick."

"Hit me. No, wait, I’ll stand. No…wait, what do I do?… Double down? Shit. I got my kid’s spinal surgery riding on this one. I’ll be honest - I am not even totally sure of the rules here. How much is a stick worth again? Fuck it - hit me. With a stick."